I've been afraid for so long now, I can barely remember a time that I wasn't.
It’s so hard to write and I'm afraid (of course) of being judged, but here's why this is being written right now:
I'm f@cking tired of being afraid.
And it is a freakin’ fact that fear has never, ever served me. It’s only stopped me. It’s like a continual weight on my shoulders. It presses down on me, a gravitational force that grounds my soul, clips my wings, steals my spirit, and depletes my energy.
If it is not screaming to me, it has been a constant whisper. A whisper that no one else can hear but rings loudly in my ears. I am familiar with its voice. It says things to me like: “you can’t do this”, “don’t even try that”, “if you do that, it’s only going to end badly.” It’s laughed at me, it’s told me so, and it’s taken over more and more real estate inside my head. It’s been slowly creeping like tentacles that wrap around my neurons, making me nervous even about the smallest things, I sometimes have even seen my fingers shake. It has eaten away at my spirit and stolen that little girl inside of me. That little girl that loved to laugh and play and have fun. That little girl that had huge dreams and goals and thought anything was possible.
It’s been my dream stealer and my biggest critic.
And I know this super colossal challenge, this goliath in my head, it has to be taken down. It has to be overcome. And it has to be now.
So “It” is now being dealt with. “It” is being put into a closet and with the largest lock and chain, being bolted to the ground and forever starved of my energy. “It” is no longer allowed to roam freely in my brain.
This is my declaration.
Today and every day from now on, I am officially facing my fears and it is officially no longer the boss of me.
Oh, I know it will be there knocking on my head, attempting at first to whisper, and then when I ignore it, it may shout a bit louder, but I am looking it square in the face and now laughing back at it. I am done with it. It’s being locked up so I can have my life back. So my wings can soar. So my energy lifts me to do what I am meant to do.
And one more reason I am done with it. Because I want you to be done with it now too.
I've heard from you. I have listened to this same thing from so many women. Fear has taken over our lives. It’s made us mediocre. It’s stopped us from our callings. It’s become our dis-ease.
This is so not OK.
Yes, I want to be done with it, and I want you to be done with it too. Yes, it may take some time.
But, this is something we are going to do together. Like a March on Washington. We are taking back our lives from fear. We are taking back our lives from the abuse, the control, and the suffering that fear has caused us.
It’s time for fear to be overthrown, overcome and vanquished, never to hold us down again.
I understand, and you do too, like any worthwhile cause we can only do this together. There is strength in numbers.
So, I am sharing what has caused my fears. And I am here to help you face your fears. Then together are going to slay our fears. We are going to release them from our brains and put them down on paper. The paper will carry the weight. We no longer will have to.
It's time to let go of the past & the hurts that we have suffered.
It's time to stop fearing the future & what "could happen."
It's time to embrace the possibilities and not let the fear of failure stop us from pursuing what our heart desires.
It's time to release the "survival mindset" and trust that we have the power to build a life where we are free from paralyzing fears.
It's time to find our true sense of inner peace and go through the world with a sense of calm & confidence, even in the midst of chaos or worldly unrest.
So here goes. I am first. I know I can write even more and I will, however, this is my starting point of where fear first entered my mind and began to steal my soul.
Many of my fears stem from a night in February, back when I was 14 years old. My family was very excited because we were moving from Rye, NY to Palm Beach, FL. My Dad had just flown back and was so excited to tell us about how much we were going to love living there! He found our dream house. I was walking on a cloud. Right after this amazing news, my Uncle Cookie died. I attended my Uncle Cookie's wake and funeral. It was my first family death experience and I remember it having quite a harsh impact on me. I came home and shared how it affected me with my Dad. He said, "Bean, don't let that scare you. Everything's going to be OK. I'm here and I'm always going to look after you." I remember feeling so safe with my Dad. He was my rock. If Dad said it, it was true. Right?
Less than a week later my Dad passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack. A week after that our family home in Rye, NY had an electrical fire and burned to the ground. My Dad was gone, my house was gone, and my dreams were shattered.
My Mother went into a depression and I was sent by myself to a new school in Fort Lauderdale where I showed up scared to death. I never told anyone how deep my fears were. I operated on auto-pilot and just kept moving. Life goes on...and so did my fears.
That fear has eaten away at me and showed up again and again in my adult life. I've experienced divorce, bankruptcy, molestation, spousal abuse, car repossession, my company folding, living in horrible conditions with my two children and had "survival mode" take over my life. Once you have utilities shut off, checks bounce, your car taken away in the middle of the night, and no money for food...fear has a permanent residence in your soul. It no longer occupies just a space in your brain, it takes over your every thought. Fear has taken me down.
So, that is my piece written down on paper. Oh, there’s more, there always is. But that is where it all started.
What I am here to share is that my life has changed. And yours can too. It did not happen overnight and most nights were scary. But there was always a voice inside my head that I also heard whispering to me. A voice that said to me you are worth it. There is a calling for you. You have gone through all this for a reason. You are going to help so many others if you pick yourself up and get yourself through this. And I did. I listened. I heard that voice. That woman inside me that knew there is something amazing out there. I knew it would take work and it would take time. Time was going to pass anyway and one thing I am not afraid of is doing the work.
All that said, it is AMAZING, and nothing short of miraculous what one fearful, but passionate woman can accomplish! With fear in my heart, but a fire in my belly, I turned my life around. I have so many mentors and coaches, (yes, even a coach has a coach) and books to thank for this breakthrough...and at the end of the day it gave me my life's mission...coaching others to live lives they love. I am magnificently obsessed with people LOVING their lives.
I practice daily rituals. I write things down. I have goals. I am allowed to dream. I love my life. I have a mission.
Every day I ask myself these 5 questions:
1. "Am I living MY dream?" (Not someone else’s.)
2. "Am I so lit up about my projects that failure is not even a worry?" (When you are on a mission, you care so much about your path that failure doesn't even get a chance!)
3. "Am I surrounded by people who love and support me?" (A tribe is SO important in battling fear. They are our support network. It makes all the difference.)
4. "Can I take 1 step today that moves me away from my fears and towards living courageously?" (Baby stepping your way forward is totally legit!)
5. "Can I tell fear to go take a flying leap today because I am fierce and I'm done playing small?" (Really fun and effective if done by yelling it into your bathroom mirror!) You may frighten your family, but hey, it's for a good cause.
So, I am first. I am facing my fears. I wrote them down here like an open book. I know I am supported. I feel your love and I feel you holding me up and upright. I feel lighter. That heavy weight on my shoulders is being lifted and I am rising. And I feel like this is just the beginning. 2018 is the year where we take it back. We throw aside our fears. We help each other. It has started in the world. Women are standing up. Women are banding together.
My strength and power now have an endless supply. And I know where it comes from. It comes from you. All of you. Individually and together. My tribe and those that are entering my tribe. My day is focused on helping you, those who have shown up in my world. You too are here for a reason. And I want to help in any way I can. Helping you is my passion and it lights me up. I want you to feel your endless supply of energy and power. I want you to become who you are meant to become. I know the way. It’s a bit different for each of us, but there is a way. A way where there is light and lightness. A way where we can hold each other up and help each other to grow and become even more.
It starts by writing sh*t down. First the challenging stuff. Yes, we have to deal with it. But then, then we get to write the good stuff. The stuff that leads us to a live we love. A life not only worth living, but a life that lights you up and has meaning.
Each day I don’t feed the monster, I know “it” weakens and I become stronger.
I am actively living courageously! I am living into my power. It's not always easy, but oh so worth it!
Am I fearless? Hell no. I'm still 14 years old inside and scared to death because my Dad promised everything was going to be OK and it wasn't. Waiting for the next shoe to drop is an easy fallback position for me to take.
Am I courageous? Hell yes! I'm looking fear right in the eye and saying, "I feel you fear, and I'm doing in anyway".
Let me know how you feel, let me know if you want to be supported. Help me fulfill my mission. Let me help you to live a life you love. Let’s plan on it.
Write me back. Tell me your thoughts about what I wrote.